I thought if I wrote it out, saw it all up on my computer monitor it would lighten the load. I thought that if I shared the last six weeks of my life with the world, it might help.
Tonight at about 9:45pm my mother-in-law passed away. I was unable to tell her I love her and be by her side, but I have faith that she knew we all loved her very much. Deb Lake was 53 years old. She died from complications from
Whipple surgery...
It all started about six weeks ago when Josh's mom (Deb) called and told us she had been in the emergency room for 2 days and learned she may have
pancreatic cancer. To make matters worse, the doctors said it may be in the late stages and she may not have long...she would need surgery right away. However, this would prove to be difficult becuase she had just not been able to afford her medical insurance since her divorce just several months prior.
Cancer seems to be everywhere!
As a matter of fact just several weeks earlier I had learned my Grandfather had Cancer...liver Cancer...and back Cancer. His wife, my Grandmother, is a Breast Cancer survivor. My father came in from Germany when he learned of it and was pretty hush hush about the whole thing.
Back to Deb, she needed to go to many specialists and have lots of tests done and figure out how she was going to pay for it all! I was making lots of phone calls to the Cleveland Clinic to see if they could do anything for her. Oh- Deb lives about 7.5 hours away in Northern Michigan, so you can imagine her location was yet another hurdle to jump in an attempt to get her medical care.
It was possible for her to come here to Cleveland and have the surgery and stay here for a couple months to recover. But as it turned out, the University of Michigan would be able to provide her with the surgery she needed and that was about 5 hours away (for her) Good News!
Then word that my Grandfather had passed away at the age of 89.
I was numb with all of the Cancer invading my life- I think I shut down in the head. I found it difficult to be in my pretty gallery with pretty things- so I took off for three days and stayed at home.
Upon returning- I opened the gallery door and smelled GARBAGE! Really smelly, fowl smelling dumpster garbage! GROSS! What in the world is that smell! I dont have that kind of garbage- just paper bits and what not. This went on for three days! Then one day I needed something from the basement where I have a play room set up for my daughter when she comes to work with mommy and as I walked down the stairs- there it was, that smell getting stronger, and stronger with each step I took! OMG- the basement had flooded!
Are you kidding me! My wool rug- ruined (and reaked of a horse barn) all her tables and little pink stool, a box of legos... where was the water coming from- I dont know and there was no drain down there. I checked the storage closet, shipping boxes-ruined, box of vintage papers and one of my FAVORITE ledgers, soaked. Half of a vintage set of encyclopedias-gone Oh I wont bother to go on about those things- The leak was from the street above (thats my guess anyway) Everytime it rains the parking area in front of my gallery floods and the sewers are cracked- they are due to be replaced, that was supposed to be done this year, and was then put off until 2009. As of five days ago- will not be corrected until 2010!
A week ago, last Thursday, Deb went in for her surgery, the procedure took about six hours. She came out and was doing fine. And the best news of all... it was NOT CANCER! Days later she wasnt doing so well, throwing up her broth, lots of pain, not sleeping. By Thursday, she was determined to go home ASAP- she was drinking her broth and wanted to not take all the pain meds, they said she may be home by the weekend. Hours later, she was in pain, needed more pain meds and was throwing up her broth...not good. Then at about 3:30 am my sister-in-law called and said that they had moved her to the ICU- she had a clot and they were going to do a CT Scan and another surgery. Josh hopped in the car and drove 3 hours to be with her. After the CT scan and checking her artery with the scope-nothing was found- they needed to go back in. Josh came home- we both are unsure why, but I think he felt it was okay to. He got home around 8 oclock and we ate dinner, he still had a bite left on his plate when his sister called.
She said the Deb was- well she wasnt going to make it. The surgeon went in and saw that her bowels had,
died.
She was on ventilators and Josh needed to come. We called our friends to come stay with the kids and we got in the car and we drove.
We got about 30 minutes out and the cell rang- she had past away, she was gone.
We turned around and we came home. We leave tomorrow for Michigan. The gallery will be closed. I will reopen on Friday.
I am not sure what the future holds- I am healthy, Josh is healthy, as are the kids.
I know that on Friday I am not returning as the same person I once was, I know that change is more than coming, it is here. I know that from the food I put in my body to the business I run- NOTHING will be the same again.
I am making the changes- forcing them upon my life for the better. In an effort to create positive change from all that we have gone through these past six weeks. I will change the direction we are going- I have to.
We have wasted too much time.
I am 33 years old and feeling that I have wasted alot of time. I plan on living for a long time, to see my kids grow up, to watch them have babies and get a head full of white hair. I want to be the old lady you yell at for driving slow and the one who takes forever in line at the bank. I am going to make the most of whatever time I have left, because I guess you just never know when that might be. Its funny- my parents bought my sister and I a dog (Maggie- bearded collie and the BEST DOG EVER) when I was six, my mom told my dad it would be a good idea to get a dog in order to teach us kids about death. Maggie was about 18 when we had to put her down! My Grandfather was the first of my Grandparents to pass away, and Deb was my kids first. With all my love, may your heart have wings to fly you to God- we will miss you
Things are different now, everything is changing.
